:: Spouse Selection: Do's and Don'ts Pt 3 ::

Other Criteria For Evaluating a Potential Spouse:

Among the factors that might be considered a potential spouse are the following:

1. Deen - Is this person doing what is good, refraining from what is wrong in all aspects of his or her life or is this person compromising and rationalizing some slackness in the Deen? Does he or she consistently perform and practice the pillars of Islam? Does this person have a balanced understanding of Islam or is their perspective too rigid, harsh, or lenient?

2. Character - Does this person exhibit the qualities of Islamic character such as integrity, compassion, unselfishness, and humility?

3. Mental Health/Emotional Stability - Does this person demonstrate the Iman (faith) and coping skills to endure the countless challenges of modern life while also meeting his or her responsibilities to a family? Is this a person who would be willing to seek counseling and accept advice and/or medication if stress started to become overwhelming?

4. Green card/Immigration status - Is this person likely to be deported at a moment's notice? Can this person accompany you for Hajj or Umrah without worrying about being denied re-entry to this country? Is securing his or her immigration status the primary motivation for marrying you? In too many such cases, as soon as the green cark is obtained, the marriage ends with divorce or abandonment. It is especially tragic when children from such a marriage are totally forgotten as the man or woman returns to another country to marry someone else.

5. Family life priorities - Is this person willing to make family life a priority? Is the person able to adjust his or her career and social schedule to meet the responsibilities and need of family life?

6. Previous marriages - It is important to find out from reliable, unbiased sources why any previous marriages failed. It might be quite naïve to merely accept a person's explanation. Was this person a wife-beater? Was a woman so extravagant that her husband was overwhelmed with debt? Was this person an adulterer?

7. Past Criminal Involvement - Of course rehabilitation is possible, especially if the person became Muslim after incarceration. There are many ex-offenders who totally reformed their lives and upon release from prison became positive leaders in their communities. Consider the example of Malik Shabazz (Malcolm X). However, one should certainly not enter marriage with a former felon blindly. Occasionally and quite understandably, the experience of extended confinement and exposure to all of the abuses that may occur at the hands of fellow inmates and sadistic guards can have lasting traumatic and negative effects on a person's sense of security, self-esteem, and ability to trust another human being. In addition, prospective spouse has the right to know about the terms of a person's parole or probation.

8. General Health - A person has the right to know what it is reasonable to expect regarding a future spouse's overall health condition and how it might impact the marriage. Has this person been exposed to tuberculosis or hepatitis? Does this person have any sexually transmitted diseases? At the risk of possibly offending a prospective suitor, many Muslim physicians now recommend requiring testing for H.I.V. In one heart-breaking case, a nineteen year-old virgin sister was married off to a young man who presented himself as a pious, practicing Muslim. Within less than a year, that sister had contracted AIDS from her husband and died. Parents who find this an awkward request are learning to say, "We believe that you are chaste, but for the security of our daughter, we must insist on this procedure. Just to be fair, we will also have our daughter, who we know is chaste, take the same test and give you the results."

Notes On Polygyny

This article would be remiss if it failed to offer a few words of advice about polygyny (Polygyny is the practice of having more than one wife. People often refer to this as polygamy, but that is a misnomer in Islam. Polygamy actually means multiple spouses, male or female.

In Islam, women can only be married to one man at a time, though man may have multiple wives. Granted, polygyny is a right of Muslim men stipulated by Allah in the Qur'an.)

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls then Marry (other) women ofyour choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.

( سورة النساء , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #3)

Polygyny is obviously a halaal option available to Muslim men. However, it is NOT a fard (required duty) for every Muslim male. The abuses of polygyny, which have been increasing lately, particularly in the U.S., indicate a total misunderstanding of the institution.

A man should not consider polygyny as a solution to his failure to be a good husband to his first wife. Chances are he will simply be multiplying the problem. If the first marriage is dysfunctional, becoming polygynous is likely to multiply the dysfunctionality.

Before a man ever dreams of taking a second, third or fourth wife, he must make sure that he has been a model husband with his first wife. That means he should be providing all her needs in terms of food, clothing, shelter, affection, time, and attention. He should be making their home a good Islamic environment and helping her to grow in her knowledge and practice of the Deen.

If he is not doing these things well, it would be quite foolish to imagine that acquiring an additional wife (more duties and responsibilities) will improve life for him, his first wife, or his children from the first wife.

Brother, please let go of your adolescent fantasies and recognize that for a Muslim man the key ingredient in polygyny is not lust, but responsibility. Brothers should consider that Prophet Muhammad was monogamous throughout his marriage to Khadija (R). Only after her death did he take on multiple wives (R). Even then, the primary motivations in many of those marriages were to shelter and secure widows and orphans, to consolidate relations with allies, and to enhance the legacy of Islam that his widows would be able to provide to the Ummah.

In other words, Rasulullah was very mindful of his responsibilities as he took on each additional wife, and he never neglected his duties to any of them. He was always very fair, and very sensitive to the emotions and feelings of all. How many brothers contemplating polygyny today ever consider the first wife's feelings or their children's feelings? They seem to be forgetting the warning of the Qur'an in this regard.

Another concern about polygyny is the mentality of some Muslim women who accept proposals to enter into polygyny because of desperation. Sometimes, even though a sister does not really want to be in a polygynous marriage, she accepts the proposal thinking that this is a backdoor entry to "win" the man of her dreams. Her secret plan may be to appear to accept becoming the co-wife but to eventually eliminate the first wife from the picture. Such a strategy is both treacherous and un-Islamic. After all, co-wives are also sisters in Islam. Therefore, certain basic mutual duties and a general decorum of mutual respect and concern are required of them.

Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If Ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self- restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

( سورة النساء , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #129)

Istikhara

The most useful tool Muslims have available for the selection of a spouse is the Istikhara. As with any major decision, after conducting careful research of the options, assets, and liabilities involved, it is best to ask Allah (SWT) to guide our hearts and minds to make the proper choice. Sahih Al-Bukhari, Hadith 9.487, narrated by Jabir bin Abdullah, As-Salami:

Allah's Apostle use to teach his companions to perform the prayer of Istikhara for each and every matter. He use to say, "If anyone of you intends to do some thing, he should offer a two rakat prayer other than the compulsory prayers, and after finishing it, he should say: O Allah! I consult You, for You have all knowledge, and appeal to You to support me with Your Power and ask for Your Bounty, for You are able to do things while I am not, and You know while I do not; and You are the Knower of the Unseen. O Allah if You know that this matter (name you matter) is good for me both at present and in the future, (or in my religion), in this life and in the Hereafter, then fulfill it for me and make it easy for me, and then bestow Your Blessings on me in that matter. O Allah! If You know that this matter is not good for me in my religion, in this life and in my coming Hereafter (or at present or in the future), then divert me from it and choose for me what is good wherever it may be, and make me be pleased with it."

Conclusion

One of the most important decisions we can make in this lifetime is the decision of whom we should marry. It should be made without desperation or haste. The choice should be made with careful analysis of facts, and with Allah's guidance from Qur'an, Sunnah, and Istikhara.

It should be made while bearing in mind that the purpose of an Islamic marriage is to have a spouse who helps one to attain jannah (paradise). This means that compatibility, commitment, and most of all, consciousness of Allah, must be qualities shared by husband and wives.

The ideal mate for any person is one who will keep them mindful of Allah, keep the home and family life pleasant and comfortable, and gladly keep observing all the injunctions of Islam in the home and in the community.

The ideal mate is one who will keep them mindful of Allah, keep the home and family life pleasant and comfortable, and gladly keep observing all the injunctions of Islam in the home and in the community. The ideal mate is one who is ever mindful of the following ayats:

Be quick in the race for forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Garden whose width is that (of the whole) of the heavens and of the earth, prepared for the righteous, Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men;- for Allah loves those who do good; Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men;- for Allah loves those who do good;-

( سورة آل عمران , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter #3, Verse #134)