:: Adding spices to conversation ::

Assalam Alaikum,

hahahaha! Makes me laugh at how what Ali said! I wonder how many couples do agree to what he said~

W´salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Towards Solving the Marriage Dilemma ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Sh. Alaa Elsayed is funny! hahaha~ He has a lot of expressions to go with his speech! =D

Marriage sounds so complicated in our society... Why can't we do it like during Prophet's time?

Anyway, he gave suggestions at the end of his speech [31:53] on the procedure of getting someone for marriage~ Good for those who are looking! hee~ =)

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Simple marriage ::

Assalam Alaikum,

hehehehe~ I love the way they talk about marriage! SoOooo innocently cute!

In children's term, marriage is all about kiss and hugs... And according to Grover, married couples are friends who live with each other and helping each other!

In summary, marriage is when two friends come together to live together, to help each other and kiss and hugs! hee~ That's what simple marriage is about! 

Simple... If the suitable other half is given and efforts are put in~ =)

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Love and Appreciation ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Okay okay, I get it... Gotta show appreciation appreciation for husband and love for wife! I shall keep it in mind! InsyahAllah! =D

BaBaAli is as great as ever! =)

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Reading the red flag Pt 2 ::

Red Flag 5 : Lack of consistency

The adage “actions speak louder than words” cannot be truer than when observing the behavior of a potential spouse. Lack of consistency between what a person says and does is a red flag that the individual cannot be trusted and/or that there are major character flaws. In addition, if your potential spouse says and does things that do not reflect your own values, this is a wake up call that you may not be compatible. Any pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior, or twisting words to his or her benefit is a red flag that the individual has difficulty with personal responsibility and needs time and support to mature emotionally.

Red Flag 6 : Overly dependent on family

Many times, problems in marriages arise because of in-laws and couples do not pay attention to the early predictors of these issues. A potential spouse that is overly dependent on parents for finances, decision-making and/or emotional security is someone who may not be ready to get married. A potential spouse who is in an overly dependent family relationship will have difficulty moving into an interdependent relationship with a spouse. While it is of course natural that both families remain connected to the new couple, the shift to emotional independence from the family is a growth process that is necessary so that the new couple can begin creating their own life together.

Red Flag 7 : Getting married out of fear

Trusting your intuition and addressing uneasy feelings that arise during the process of getting to know someone is important. Intuition is your compass and is alerting you that something may be wrong in the relationship with your potential spouse. One must find the courage to follow this intuition. To continue getting to know someone or proceed toward marriage with these uncertainties can be disastrous. 

Many choose to ignore the red flags out of a fear of hurting a persons feelings or what the family and community may say. Getting married out of a fear of letting others down or because of pressure from others are signs that the relationship is unstable and that is not a foundation for a healthy marriage. 

In order to be in a healthy marriage, individuals need to grow up and grow emotionally before they can be in a relationship with another individual. No one is perfect, but each individual has a responsibility to work on his or her own personal issues and flaws. As ibn Arabi says, “He who knows himself knows his Lord.” Self reflection is vital to help you understand yourself, your relationship with others, and ultimately help bring you closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).

:: Reading the red flag Pt 1 ::

Published on November 30, 2010
by Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine

Getting to know someone for marriage can be a nerve-racking and an exciting experience all at the same time. Through conversations, a couple seeks to learn about each other and determine compatibly for a lifetime together. 

However, many couples get so emotionally attached in the early stages of the relationship that they cannot see or choose to deny red flags that arise. Being self-reflective and in tune with your feelings is important in identifying potential problems in a relationship. Divorcees and married couples with significant problems always cite early signs or red-flags that they did not realize were important or did not know would have a major impact on the relationship. 

Red flags are signs that something is not sitting well with an individual and can become a source of conflict within the marriage. Not all problems before marriage are signs of a doomed relationship. Some issues that arise before marriage can be discussed and compromises can be made. 

Open communication and problem solving are foundational to a healthy, successful, and happy marriage. It must be said that there are some problems or red flags that indicate deeper personal issues that can only be addressed through individual or pre-marital counseling.

Communication before marriage is vital because it is the only way one can connect with a potential spouse and understand his or her viewpoints. Communication is not only about the ability to talk, it is also about the ability to listen. 

Red Flag 1 : Not understanding each other

Red flags in this area of the relationship are that you do not feel like your potential spouse understands you, nor seeks to understand what is important to you in your life. If your feelings are dismissed or you are constantly being cut off, then you may be considering someone for marriage who is not a good listener and is not in tune with the feelings of others. In addition, being criticized and/or spoken to sarcastically are signs of disrespect. This is a problem because mutual respect between spouses is the cornerstone of a successful marriage.

Red Flag 2 : Emotionally unavailable

On the other hand you may feel like thoughts and feelings are shared and heard, but your potential spouse does not share his or her own views and feelings. This may be an indication that your potential spouse is emotionally unavailable and not ready for the emotional attachment required in a marriage. A requirement for a successful marriage is that each spouse is emotionally ready to be vulnerable and intimate with another human being.

Red Flag 3 : Leaving conflicts unresolved

The way a couple communicates and resolves conflicts are important aspects to consider before marriage. If a couple is constantly arguing and leaves arguments unresolved, they face serious problems in a marital relationship. If you find yourself consciously avoiding certain topics out of a fear of your potential spouse’s reaction, then you are not being fully honest in the relationship. In order to be in an authentic marriage, each spouse must be able to be his or her true self and not shy away from discussing difficult topics.

Red Flag 4 : Extreme negative emotions

A potential spouse that expresses extreme emotions, such as uncontrollable anger, excessive fear, or irrational jealousy is a major concern because these could be signs of an abusive partner. A person that tries to control and manipulate another person’s behavior, such as how to dress, how to interact with family and friends, how to live, etc. all signify that this person desires power in the relationship. When getting to know one another, couples usually mistake this classic red flag as a sign of care and concern rather than a pattern toward an emotionally or even physically abusive relationship. 

A potential spouse who is unable to resolve conflicts, admit mistakes, or deal with constructive criticism is likely to be someone who is not able to take personal responsibility in their life. All of these personal issues are signs that the individual is in need of personal growth and change before attempting to have a healthy marital relationship.

... to be continued...

:: Start now for our children ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Syed Ammar Nakshawani talks about how we should bring up our children, starting with having the niyah even before the mother is pregnant with a child~ And how a child learns, even when he/she is in the womb~ 

Further on, he said that when mothers recite Surah Yusuf, the baby will come out looking like Yusuf! So I assume that if the baby is a girl, then gotta recite Surah Maryam...

Wow! This is new! hee~ =D

So, I shall be a bit 'kiasu' (Typical Singaporean!) and start having the niyah now! hee~

W'salam,
Khadijah C.

:: Muslim marriage: a portrait ::

From Times Online
August 24, 2009

A true Muslim marriage is about husband and wife helping each other attain paradise says Na'ima B. Robert

Bismillah

My husband is ill. He lies in bed, in the dark. I try to keep the children quiet. I try to keep them from disturbing him. I try to get them to sleep without too much fuss.

When all is peace, I tiptoe into the room. I feel his forehead for signs of a fever. I ask him if he needs anything. He needs to drink fluids, Vitamin C. I know this. And I also know that he won't ask.

So I go to the kitchen, put the kettle on. I mix him a drink - lemon to fight the cold germs, honey to soothe his sore throat, fresh mint leaves to lift the taste a little. I say 'Bismillah' before I pour the hot water, make a little prayer for his well being, before taking it to him. He smiles through his discomfort. I have brought him ease.

But I wave away his thanks. It is nothing.

I am his wife. That's what I'm here to do.

Some may sneer at these small acts of kindness. Some may shake their heads pityingly at this description of servitude. But they don't understand my life or my motivations. They do not know, do not understand that I married my husband for the sake of Allah.

Our goal, from the outset of a marriage arranged by mutual friends, was to help each other to attain Paradise. Nothing more, nothing less.

We went about our marriage the traditional Islamic way. We didn't date, we didn't cohabit, we didn't spend any time alone. We met a few times, in the company of my guardian, asked each other innumerable questions, discussed every issue that was important to us. My husband flew halfway across the world to obtain my parents' consent and we were married, with a marriage contract and a mahr (dowry paid to the bride) but no pomp or ceremony, in a room in Baker Street.

To be sure, an Islamic marriage is quite different from that of other faiths or of no faith at all. There are roles and responsibilities to be taken care of, rules and guidelines to be followed. These rules are in place to promote a smoother partnership and a union that is pleasing to God. Many of these rules and guidelines may seem old-fashioned, restrictive even, particularly in an age of ever-evolving morals and mores. But as guidelines set down for us in the Qur'an, the Book of Allah, we trust in their wisdom and we live by their strictures.

These teachings help us set our priorities straight. They help us to tame our ego. They show us to how to give selflessly, expecting our reward from God alone. They teach us to be patient and gentle with each other. They teach us how to be loyal and faithful in word, thought and deed. They teach us to be grateful for the small mercies, for the little kindnesses, for the barely noticeable gestures that embroider our lives together. These are lessons we are learning every day. I know that one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe fifty years from now, I will return to my Lord and then, only my good deeds will count for anything. Only my selfless deeds, performed for the sake of God, will accompany me.

Of course, some may say that I am painting an overly rosy picture. They will quote stories they've heard, articles they have read, prejudices they have formed. All these could be true. Or they could not be. I can only speak my truth. I can only tell my story.

My husband's fever has broken. I smile and praise Allah.

It is nothing. That is what we are here to do.

Na'ima B. Robert is author of From my Sisters' Lips , a look at the lives of Muslim women. She is founder and editor of SISTERS , the magazine for fabulous Muslim women. Her latest children's book,Ramadan Moon, is published by Frances Lincoln

:: Knowing oneself, knowing Marriage ::

Assalam Alaikum,

One of the greatest mercy which Allah(SWT) show us is to give us acquaintances who make us think and ponder about our direction~

I want to share what a reader of mine wrote to me...

1.“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

2.““The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”

3.“That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way.”

Inspiring sentences...

Many of us want to get married but do we really know who we are, what we are? What are the gifts that Allah(SWT) has given us in this duniya that can complement with the future spouse? What are the limitations which we have that we need someone to come into our life to make our lives complete?

hmMmmm... Maybe that explains why our future spouse is called "Our other half" or "Half our deen"... So, when we know ourselves well, we are ready for a love story... Our first and last love story... 

And when that person comes along, we would know he/she has been part of our lives because we are so familiar with what that person has, yet we are unable to achieve ourselves... 

That's when the learning starts... To learn about our other half, to learn about that which are lacking in us~ In the process, we will grow together and, InsyahAllah, be completed as a whole~

I guess that's what marriage is about... To find someone to complement us so that we grow from the trials in life... 

But before that, do we know ourselves well, in order to identify our other half? hmMmmm... Something to think about over the weekend~ 

Happy weekend! =)


W'salam,
Khadijah C.

:: Letter from Mon & Dad ::

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.
( سورة الإسراء , Al-Isra, Chapter #17, Verse #23)

And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years - give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.
( سورة لقمان , Luqman, Chapter #31, Verse #14)

And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do.
( سورة العنكبوت , Al-Ankaboot, Chapter #29, Verse #8)

:: Fiqh of Love ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Just wanting to share this lecture by Yasir Birjas Fiqh of Love~

Download it and listen to it whenever you have free time!

Interesting topic about feeling love! =) It's a gift to human beings~ MashaAllah!

Enjoy!

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Am I Marrying the Right Person? ::

Published on November 2, 2010
Taken from http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/am-i-marrying-the-right-person/

This is the question you must ask before marrying someone. While many factors are used to determine compatibility, you may be surprised to read that the answer to this question is in fact mostly based on feelings. 

Through the process of getting to know different types of people, you will discover a variety of personalities and, more importantly, the type of person you are most comfortable being around. Over time, and with increased maturity, you will also develop a deeper understanding of your own personality.

Eventually, you will meet someone you feel compatible with and want to consider for marriage. You will inevitably ask, “Is this the right person for me?” As described to us in Surat An-Nur: 

“…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” (Qur’an, 24:26) 

This verse reminds us that people are matched by Allah. The following is a description of the feelings necessary to know that you have found your match.

The right person is someone you feel comfortable opening up to – someone you can be vulnerable with. The right person encourages you to make decisions that are right for you. This may include decisions about a healthy lifestyle and supporting your efforts to find balance between work and family. You feel encouraged and supported to grow in all areas of your life because the person you want to marry is not negative, selfish or critical. Rather, when you are with this person you feel safe to share your thoughts and ideas and you feel uplifted by their support. The right person is someone you have developed a deep friendship with and you mutually enjoy each other’s company. Building a marriage on a friendship is important because love grows out of friendship.

You and the right person for you have similar life goals and values. This doesn’t mean your goals and values are exactly the same, but they don’t contradict. You are able to agree on long term goals that you can attain together. When you are with the right person, you are able to communicate your feelings and concerns and you don’t feel that you need to keep them bottled up inside. When you disagree on something, you are both able to share and listen to each other’s opinions, then you both seek to compromise. 

Conversations with the right person are interesting and help you grow intellectually.  With the right person you are comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on various topics. Couples naturally grow and change throughout the course of their marriage and this requires an ability to effectively communicate and resolve concerns as they come up.

The right person is kind, considerate, and polite to you and the people around you – and not just to impress you. This person encourages you to have good relationships with your family and friends. You both realize marriage is the bringing together of two families, not becoming an isolated couple. These behaviors toward your friends and family are a natural reflection of a person’s true character. Showering you with kindness, but not extending this to your friends and family, is a sign of inconsistent character. 

Character is shown through the actions that come to us naturally – whenever and to whomever. Both of you will show your character through what comes naturally more than anything that will ever be said. The person who is right for you isn’t rude, childish, arrogant or selfish. Rather, they are thoughtful and caring of everyone around them, not only their parents and their boss but the waiter and the clerk. 

A marriage is built on the feelings of respect and compassion; unless these come naturally, whatever behaviors are used to impress you before marriage will not last the everyday interactions of a marriage.

Finally, the right person is honest with you and is someone you can trust. This person is truthful with you about life decisions and concerns. The person you want to marry does not seek to control your life but seeks to share a life with you. The right person trusts you and does not scrutinize you or make you justify your every move. When you are with the right person, you will feel safe and accepted for who you are. You feel you can share your mistakes and work on your weaknesses.

It must be said that anyone who is dishonest or does things that are against your values is someone you should not marry. The foundation of a healthy marriage is one that is based on honesty and trust between two partners.

Establishing compatibility for marriage is based on many factors and the most obscure – yet most important – are the feelings we have about the person. There are some people we instantly “click” with and there are others we find interesting and want to learn more about. These are the initial feelings, but as we get to know someone and seek to find compatibility in values and goals, one must carefully examine their feelings.

Being with the right person is uplifting to our spirit; the relationship brings us tranquility, as is described in the Qur’an:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

While no human being is perfect and we should not be looking for unrealistic qualities, you will know if you have found the person that is a good match for you. Remember that finding the right person is only half the challenge – you must first be the right person that someone would want to marry.

:: Safe Sex in Islam ::

The Islamic Aproach to Intimacy with Imam Siraj Wahhaj on TheDeenShow



:: Dating in Islam ::

:: Prophet Muhammad's love for his wives ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Upon listening to this song again, I could briefly relate how Prophet Muhammad could have felt when Angel Jibril came to him~ The confusion, the uncertainty in the remaining journey in life and the increasing expectations from him~ 

Indeed, love deepens and grows much when someone was there to believe you when others did not and supported you when times were bad~

That's the noble job of the women! =D And those who are always there for reverts in Islam... =D

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: Learning points from Mrs Lee ::

Assalam Alaikum,

Just at this life stage when I'm brainstorming about my life, personalities like Mrs Lee provide me a role model to follow~

This post is a followup of my previous blogpost "The last farewell to my wife "

Madam Kwa Geok Choo is the wife of the founding father of Singapore, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. He is an amazing man, well-respected by people all over the world. He is the one who puts Singapore up on the global stage~

And behind such an amazing man, is the never ending support from his wife, Madam Kwa Geok Choo.

These are the things I learnt from the life of Mdm Kwa in her life story.

1) The true love story last a long long time - "Together forever, till the end of time"

• My wife and I have been together since 1947 for more than three quarters of our lives.
• I have precious memories of our 63 years together.
• Her last wish she shared with me was to enjoin our children to have our ashes placed together, as we were in life.

2) Soul mates influence each other

• Without her, I would be a different man, with a different life. She devoted herself to me and our children. She was always there when I needed her. She has lived a life full of warmth and meaning.
• We gradually influenced each other’s ways and habits as we adjusted and accommodated each other. We knew that we could not stay starry-eyed lovers all our lives; that life was an on-going challenge with new problems to resolve and manage.

3) Partnership is not able materials fulfillment, it's the little bits and pieces of life story which keeps two hearts beating as one

• In our quiet moments, we would revisit our lives and times together.
• We never argued over the upbringing of our children, nor over financial matters. Our earnings and assets were jointly held. We were each other’s confidant.

4) Having faith in each other's commitment

• As a young man with an interrupted education at Raffles College, and no steady job or profession, her parents did not look upon me as a desirable son-in-law. But she had faith in me. We had committed ourselves to each other.

5) To be the pillar of support by providing sound advices / knowledge

• She helped me draft the Constitution of the PAP.
• She drafted the undertaking as part of the constitutional amendment of the Federation of Malaysia Constitution itself. She was precise and meticulous in her choice of words.
• She had an uncanny ability to read the character of a person. She would sometimes warn me to be careful of certain persons; often, she turned out to be right.

6) Lastly, to put the other half before oneself, even when one's unwell.

• When I kissed her on her cheek, she told me not to come too close to her in case I caught her pneumonia. I assured her that the doctors did not think that was likely because I was active.
• When given some peaches in hospital, she asked the maid to take one home for my lunch. I was at the centre of her life.
• The last two years of her life were the most difficult. She was bedridden after small successive strokes; she could not speak but she was still cognisant. Every night she would wait for me to sit by her to tell her of my day’s activities and to read her favourite poems. Then she would sleep.

InsyahAllah, let me be like Mdm Kwa in supporting my other half, to love the one I marry~

W'salam,

Khadijah C.

:: "The last farewell to my wife" ::

EULOGY BY MINISTER MENTOR AT THE FUNERAL SERVICE OF MRS LEE KUAN YEW, MANDAI CREMATORIUM, 6 OCTOBER 2010

source: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/annex/2010_EulogyKGC.pdf

Ancient peoples developed and ritualised mourning practices to express the shared grief of family and friends, and together show not fear or distaste for death, but respect for the dead one; and to give comfort to the living who will miss the deceased. I recall the ritual mourning when my maternal grandmother died some 75 years ago. For five nights the family would gather to sing her praises and wail and mourn at her departure, led by a practised professional mourner. Such rituals are no longer observed. My family’s sorrow is to be expressed in personal tributes to the matriarch of our family.

In October 2003 when she had her first stroke, we had a strong intimation of our mortality. 

My wife and I have been together since 1947 for more than three quarters of our lives. My grief at her passing cannot be expressed in words. But today, when recounting our lives together, I would like to celebrate her life.

In our quiet moments, we would revisit our lives and times together. We had been most fortunate. At critical turning points in our lives, fortune favoured us.

As a young man with an interrupted education at Raffles College, and no steady job or profession, her parents did not look upon me as a desirable son-in-law. But she had faith in me. We had committed ourselves to each other. I decided to leave for England in September 1946 to read law, leaving her to return to Raffles College to try to win one of the two Queen’s Scholarships awarded yearly. We knew that only one Singaporean would be awarded. I had the resources, and sailed for England, and hoped that she would join me after winning the Queen’s Scholarship. If she did not win it, she would have to wait for me for three years.

In June the next year, 1947, she did win it. But the British colonial office could not get her a place in Cambridge. Through Chief Clerk of Fitzwilliam, I discovered that my Censor at Fitzwilliam, W S Thatcher, was a good friend of the Mistress of Girton, Miss Butler. He gave me a letter of introduction to the Mistress. She received me and I assured her that Choo would most likely take a “First”, because she was the better student when we both were at Raffles College. I had come up late by one term to Cambridge, yet passed my first year qualifying examination with a class 1. She studied Choo’s academic record and decided to admit her in October that same year, 1947.

We have kept each other company ever since. We married privately in December 1947 at Stratford-upon-Avon. At Cambridge, we both put in our best efforts. She took a first in two years in Law Tripos II. I took a double first, and a starred first for the finals, but in three years. We did not disappoint our tutors. Our Cambridge Firsts gave us a good start in life. Returning to Singapore, we both were taken on as legal assistants in Laycock & Ong, a thriving law firm in Malacca Street. Then we married officially a second time that September 1950 to please our parents and friends. She practised conveyancing and draftsmanship, I did litigation.

In February 1952, our first son Hsien Loong was born. She took maternity leave for a year. That February, I was asked by John Laycock, the Senior Partner, to take up the case of the Postal and Telecommunications Uniformed Staff Union, the postmen’s union. They were negotiating with the government for better terms and conditions of service. Negotiations were deadlocked and they decided to go on strike. It was a battle for public support. I was able to put across the reasonableness of their case through the press and radio. After a fortnight, they won concessions from the government. Choo, who was at home on maternity leave, pencilled through my draft statements, making them simple and clear.

Over the years, she influenced my writing style. Now I write in short sentences, in the active voice. We gradually influenced each other’s ways and habits as we adjusted and accommodated each other. We knew that we could not stay starry-eyed lovers all our lives; that life was an on-going challenge with new problems to resolve and manage.

We had two more children, Wei Ling in 1955 and Hsien Yang in 1957. She brought them up to be well-behaved, polite, considerate and never to throw their weight as the prime minister’s children. As a lawyer, she earned enough, to free me from worries about the future of our children.

She saw the price I paid for not having mastered Mandarin when I was young. We decided to send all three children to Chinese kindergarten and schools. She made sure they learned English and Malay well at home. Her nurturing has equipped them for life in a multi-lingual region.

We never argued over the upbringing of our children, nor over financial matters. Our earnings and assets were jointly held. We were each other’s confidant.

She had simple pleasures. We would walk around the Istana gardens in the evening, and I hit golf balls to relax. Later, when we had grandchildren, she would take them to feed the fish and the swans in the Istana ponds. Then we would swim. She was interested in her surroundings, for

instance, that many bird varieties were pushed out by mynahs and crows eating up the insects and vegetation. She discovered the curator of the gardens had cleared wild grasses and swing fogged for mosquitoes, killing off insects they fed on. She stopped this and the bird varieties returned. She surrounded the swimming pool with free flowering scented flowers and derived great pleasure smelling them as she swam. She knew each flower by its popular and botanical

names. She had an enormous capacity for words.

She had majored in English literature at Raffles College and was a voracious reader, from Jane Austen to JRR Tolkien, from Thucydides’ The Peloponnesian Wars to Virgil’s Aeneid, to The Oxford Companion to Food, and Seafood of Southeast Asia, to Roadside Trees of Malaya, and Birds of Singapore.

She helped me draft the Constitution of the PAP. For the inaugural meeting at Victoria Memorial Hall on 4 November 1954, she gathered the wives of the founder members to sew rosettes for those who were going on stage. In my first election for Tanjong Pagar, our home in Oxley Road, became the HQ to assign cars provided by my supporters to ferry voters to the polling booth. She warned me that I could not trust my new found associates, the leftwing trade unionists led by Lim Chin Siong. She was furious that he never sent their high school student helpers to canvass for me in Tanjong Pagar, yet demanded the use of cars provided by my supporters to ferry my Tanjong Pagar voters. She had an uncanny ability to read the character of a person. She would

sometimes warn me to be careful of certain persons; often, she turned out to be right.

When we were about to join Malaysia, she told me that we would not succeed because the UMNO Malay leaders had such different lifestyles and because their politics were communally-based, on race and religion. I replied that we had to make it work as there was no better choice. But she was right. We were asked to leave Malaysia before two years.

When separation was imminent, Eddie Barker, as Law Minister, drew up the draft legislation for the separation. But he did not include an undertaking by the Federation Government to guarantee the observance of the two water agreements between the PUB and the Johor state government. I asked Choo to include this. She drafted the undertaking as part of the constitutional amendment of the Federation of Malaysia Constitution itself. She was precise and meticulous in her choice of words. The amendment statute was annexed to the Separation Agreement, which we then registered with the United Nations. The then Commonwealth Secretary Arthur Bottomley said that if other federations were to separate, he hoped they would do it as professionally as Singapore and Malaysia. It was a compliment to Eddie’s and Choo’s

professional skills. Each time Malaysian Malay leaders threatened to cut off our water supply, I was reassured that this clear and solemn international undertaking by the Malaysian government in its Constitution will get us a ruling by the UNSC (United Nations Security Council).

After her first stroke, she lost her left field of vision. This slowed down her reading. She learned to cope, reading with the help of a ruler. She swam every evening and kept fit. She continued to travel with me, and stayed active despite the stroke. She stayed in touch with her family and old friends. She listened to her collection of CDs, mostly classical, plus some golden oldies. She jocularly divided her life into “before stroke” and “after stroke”, like BC and

AD.

She was friendly and considerate to all associated with her. She would banter with her WSOs (woman security officers) and correct their English grammar and pronunciation in a friendly and cheerful way. Her former WSOs visited her when she was at NNI. I thank them all. (Listed in Appendix A)

Her second stroke on 12 May 2008 was more disabling. I encouraged and cheered her on, helped by a magnificent team of doctors, surgeons, therapists and nurses. (Listed in Appendix B.)

Her nurses, WSOs and maids all grew fond of her because she was warm and considerate. When she coughed, she would take her small pillow to cover her mouth because she worried for them and did not want to infect them.

Her mind remained clear but her voice became weaker. When I kissed her on her cheek, she told me not to come too close to her in case I caught her pneumonia. I assured her that the doctors did not think that was likely because I was active. When given some peaches in hospital, she asked the maid to take one home for my lunch. I was at the centre of her life.

On 24 June 2008, a CT scan revealed another bleed again on the right side of her brain. There was not much more that medicine or surgery could do except to keep her comfortable.

I brought her home on 3 July 2008. The doctors expected her to last a few weeks. She lived till 2nd October, 2 years and 3 months. She remained lucid. They gave time for me and my children to come to terms with the inevitable. In the final few months, her faculties declined. She could not

speak but her cognition remained. She looked forward to have me talk to her every evening.

Her last wish she shared with me was to enjoin our children to have our ashes placed together, as we were in life.

The last two years of her life were the most difficult. She was bedridden after small successive strokes; she could not speak but she was still cognisant. Every night she would wait for me to sit by her to tell her of my day’s activities and to read her favourite poems. Then she would sleep.

I have precious memories of our 63 years together. Without her, I would be a different man, with a different life. She devoted herself to me and our children. She was always there when I needed her. She has lived a life full of warmth and meaning.

I should find solace at her 89 years of her life well lived. But at this moment of the final parting, my heart is heavy with sadness.