:: Spouse Selection: Do's and Don'ts Pt 1 ::

By Ama F. Shabazz

Source: Facebook group Understanding the Verses of the Holy Quran

It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah said, "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."

Indeed, if it accounts for completion of half of one's religious duties, the institution of marriage is extremely important in Islam. Marriage is the ideal way to channel the libido, thus protecting the individual and the society form many evils such as adultery, homosexuality, promiscuity, etc.

This is verified by the sahih collections of Bukhari and Muslim. Both works quoted Rasulullah as saying:

"Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry. It keeps you from looking at strange women and preserves you from immorality; but those who cannot, should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire."

However, in Islam, marriage should be much more than simply a means of achieving physical gratification. An Islamic marriage, in fact, is the key to establishing family life in order to build a healthy society. Allah, tells us through the Qur'an that:

And Among His signs is tHis, that He created for you wives from Among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.  

( سورة الروم , Ar-Room, Chapter #30, Verse #21)

Such a deep and beautiful relationship is not likely to occur among men and women who marry in a hasty, random, or haphazard manner. There is an abundance of evidence to indicate that sparks of passion or initial physical attraction alone will not suffice for a lasting marital relationship. Likewise, marriages that were arranged by well-intending parents who did not fully investigate essential character and compatibility issues, may result in disasters.

Instead, the process of finding a suitable, compatible spouse must be done with deliberation, patience, while seeking Allah's Guidance. In order to select the best mates, we should turn to Qur'an and Sunnah for advice.

First of all, we need to find out what qualities to look for in a life partner. In one ayah (Qur'anic verse) about spouses, Allah tells us,

"...They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them..."

(  سورة البقرة  , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #187)

This metaphor shows the close bond and the special importance of the relationship between spouses. If we consider that a garment is the closest thing to our own bodies, offers protection, shields from shame, and gives comfort, we may begin to understand the Islamic role of husband and wife for one another.

If we likewise look at another ayah that mentions garments, we find the Qur'an describes the ideal garment:

"The best garment is the garment of taqwa (God-consciousness)."
Qur'an [7:26]

Thus, we may deduce that the best quality to look for in a prospective husband or wife is this taqwah, awareness that Allah is hearing, watching, and knowing our every deed, word, and thought. For it is this awareness that helps a believer develop self-restraint and resist the urging of Shaytan (Satan).

Sometimes we forget that a Muslim husband and wife regardless of the status of their marriage, will continuously have obligations to one another as fellow Muslims.

The believers, men and women, are Auliya' (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another; they enjoin (on the people) Al-Ma'ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do), and forbid (people) from Al-Munkar (i.e. polytheism and disbelief of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); they perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), and give the Zakat, and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah will have His Mercy on them. Surely Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.

( سورة التوبة , At-Taubah, Chapter #9, Verse #71)

Allah has promised the believers - men and women, - Gardens under which rivers flow to dwell therein forever, and beautiful mansions in Gardens of 'Adn (Eden Paradise). But the greatest bliss is the Good Pleasure of Allah. That is the supreme success.

( سورة التوبة , At-Taubah, Chapter #9, Verse #72) 

The above ayat also remind us that our ultimate goal, as believers is not just to find happiness in an earthly marriage, but to seek to earn and share the rewards of paradise together throughout eternity. This promise is confirmed in Suratul Ya-Sin.

Verily the Companions of the Garden shall that Day have joy in all that they do; They and their associates will be in groves of (cool) shade, reclining on Thrones (of dignity);

( سورة يس , Ya Seen, Chapter #36, Verse #55-56)

Continue in Part 2...