:: Spouse Selection: Do's and Don'ts Pt 2 ::

A Matter of Choice

Allah makes it abundantly clear that men may choose their wives, and are not obligated to marry anyone that they do not wish to marry. The Qur'an instructs,

"...Marry the women of your choice…"

(  سورة النساء  , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #3)

Likewise, women cannot be forced to marry anyone whom they do not want to marry, and their free consent, void of any form or coercion, is a prerequisite for the validity of the marriage. The Prophet said,

"The widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until their order is obtained, and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained." (Al-Bukhari).

For further evidence, we have from Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.67: The Prophet said,

"A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)." Sahih Al-Bukhari Narrated by Abu Huraira.

In addition, form Abu Dawud and Ibn majah, we learn that "A girl came to the Prophet and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did, but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter."

Likewise, through the Qur'an, widows are granted the right to remarry the man of their choice.

and those of you who die and leave wives behind them, they (the wives) shall wait (as regards their marriage) for four months and ten days, then when they have fulfilled their term, there is no sin on you if they (the wives) dispose of themselves in a just and honourable manner (i.e. they can marry). and Allah is Well-Acquainted with what you do.

( سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #234)

Restrictions

At the same time, Allah, in His Infinite Wisdom, has placed some limits on the choices. There are certain family ties between men and women that preclude the possibility of marriage.

And marry not women whom your fathers married,- except what is past: It was shameful and odious,- an abominable custom indeed. Prohibited to you (For marriage) are:- Your mothers, daughters, sisters; father's sisters, Mother's sisters; brother's daughters, sister's daughters; foster-mothers (Who gave you suck), foster-sisters; your wives' mothers; your step-daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom ye have gone in,- no prohibition if ye have not gone in;- (Those who have been) wives of your sons proceeding from your loins; and two sisters in wedlock at one and the same time, except for what is past; for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful;- Also (prohibited are) women already married, except those whom your right hands possess: Thus hath Allah ordained (Prohibitions) against you: Except for these, all others are lawful, provided ye seek (them in marriage) with gifts from your property,- desiring chastity, not lust, seeing that ye derive benefit from them, give them their dowers (at least) as prescribed; but if, after a dower is prescribed, agree Mutually (to vary it), there is no blame on you, and Allah is All-knowing, All-wise.

(  سورة النساء  , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #22-24)

One final restriction of choices for marriage comes from a hadith that discourages trying to seek someone else's fiancée for marriage. The Prophet said,

"A believer is a brother of a believer. Hence it is not lawful for him to bargain upon the bargain of a brother, nor propose for (the hand of a girl) after the marriage proposal of his brother, until the latter (voluntarily) withdraws the proposal."

The Subject of Wealth

Once it has been determined that the person being considered for marriage is of a relative or tied in any way that prevents marriage according to the preceding list, the real selection process begins.

It is usually helpful to develop a list of requirements and expectations to see if the person offering marriage is really suitable. Sadly, the top item of the list for many people would be wealth. There is a serious misconception among many Muslims that the most important quality to look for in a future spouse is a high income.

Today, in some Muslim countries, hard working and sincere you brothers are prevented from taking a wife simply because they cannot meet the outrageously high demands for mahr (dowries - marriage gift to the bride). This is also why many parents insist that the suitors for their daughters must be doctors or engineers. In fact, the profession and income may not be indicators of the ability to be a good spouse at all.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8:454 Narrated by Sahl bin Sad As Said, "A man passed by Allah's Apostle and the prophet asked a man sitting beside him "What is you opinion about this (passer-by)?" he replied, "This (passer-by) is from the noble class of people. By Allah, if he should ask for a lady's hand in marriage, he ought to be given her in marriage, and if he in intercedes for somebody, his intercession will be accepted. Allah's Apostle kept quiet, and then another man passed by and Allah's Apostle asked the same man (his companion) again, "What is your opinion about this second one (passer-by)?" He said, "O Allah's Apostle! This person is one of the poor Muslims. If he should ask a lady's hand in marriage, no one will accept him, and if he intercedes for somebody, no one will accept his intercession, and if he talks, no one will listen to his talk." Then Allah's Apostle said, "This (poor man) is better than such a large number of the first type (i.e. rich men) as to fill the earth."

On the other hand, it is not realistic to expect a healthy man who refuses to work and lives in abject poverty to be a good choice for a husband. Likewise, neither wealth nor beauty should be the foremost qualities sought in a future bride.

Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet , said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser."

Fortunately, it is the right of the bride or groom to have someone fully investigate the person offering marriage. Nor does Islam consider it backbiting to give honest, accurate, even unfavorable information and advice about a potential bride or groom. It may, in fact be a good deed to do so because it may protect someone from entering into a bad marriage and potential harm.

Consider the case of Abu Juham bin Hudhaifah and Mu'awiyah ibn Abu Sufyan. Both of them proposed marriage to Fatimah bint Ghaity. The Prophet advised Fatimah not to marry either of them on the grounds that Mu'awiyah was then a pauper and Abu Juham was cruel and harsh. So she married Usamah.By following the Qur'an and Sunnah, and applying a realistic view of modern life's challenges and conditions, families should be able to produce a list of requirements for a likely match.

Continue in Part 3...