:: Reading the red flag Pt 1 ::

Published on November 30, 2010
by Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine

Getting to know someone for marriage can be a nerve-racking and an exciting experience all at the same time. Through conversations, a couple seeks to learn about each other and determine compatibly for a lifetime together. 

However, many couples get so emotionally attached in the early stages of the relationship that they cannot see or choose to deny red flags that arise. Being self-reflective and in tune with your feelings is important in identifying potential problems in a relationship. Divorcees and married couples with significant problems always cite early signs or red-flags that they did not realize were important or did not know would have a major impact on the relationship. 

Red flags are signs that something is not sitting well with an individual and can become a source of conflict within the marriage. Not all problems before marriage are signs of a doomed relationship. Some issues that arise before marriage can be discussed and compromises can be made. 

Open communication and problem solving are foundational to a healthy, successful, and happy marriage. It must be said that there are some problems or red flags that indicate deeper personal issues that can only be addressed through individual or pre-marital counseling.

Communication before marriage is vital because it is the only way one can connect with a potential spouse and understand his or her viewpoints. Communication is not only about the ability to talk, it is also about the ability to listen. 

Red Flag 1 : Not understanding each other

Red flags in this area of the relationship are that you do not feel like your potential spouse understands you, nor seeks to understand what is important to you in your life. If your feelings are dismissed or you are constantly being cut off, then you may be considering someone for marriage who is not a good listener and is not in tune with the feelings of others. In addition, being criticized and/or spoken to sarcastically are signs of disrespect. This is a problem because mutual respect between spouses is the cornerstone of a successful marriage.

Red Flag 2 : Emotionally unavailable

On the other hand you may feel like thoughts and feelings are shared and heard, but your potential spouse does not share his or her own views and feelings. This may be an indication that your potential spouse is emotionally unavailable and not ready for the emotional attachment required in a marriage. A requirement for a successful marriage is that each spouse is emotionally ready to be vulnerable and intimate with another human being.

Red Flag 3 : Leaving conflicts unresolved

The way a couple communicates and resolves conflicts are important aspects to consider before marriage. If a couple is constantly arguing and leaves arguments unresolved, they face serious problems in a marital relationship. If you find yourself consciously avoiding certain topics out of a fear of your potential spouse’s reaction, then you are not being fully honest in the relationship. In order to be in an authentic marriage, each spouse must be able to be his or her true self and not shy away from discussing difficult topics.

Red Flag 4 : Extreme negative emotions

A potential spouse that expresses extreme emotions, such as uncontrollable anger, excessive fear, or irrational jealousy is a major concern because these could be signs of an abusive partner. A person that tries to control and manipulate another person’s behavior, such as how to dress, how to interact with family and friends, how to live, etc. all signify that this person desires power in the relationship. When getting to know one another, couples usually mistake this classic red flag as a sign of care and concern rather than a pattern toward an emotionally or even physically abusive relationship. 

A potential spouse who is unable to resolve conflicts, admit mistakes, or deal with constructive criticism is likely to be someone who is not able to take personal responsibility in their life. All of these personal issues are signs that the individual is in need of personal growth and change before attempting to have a healthy marital relationship.

... to be continued...