:: Reading the red flag Pt 2 ::

Red Flag 5 : Lack of consistency

The adage “actions speak louder than words” cannot be truer than when observing the behavior of a potential spouse. Lack of consistency between what a person says and does is a red flag that the individual cannot be trusted and/or that there are major character flaws. In addition, if your potential spouse says and does things that do not reflect your own values, this is a wake up call that you may not be compatible. Any pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior, or twisting words to his or her benefit is a red flag that the individual has difficulty with personal responsibility and needs time and support to mature emotionally.

Red Flag 6 : Overly dependent on family

Many times, problems in marriages arise because of in-laws and couples do not pay attention to the early predictors of these issues. A potential spouse that is overly dependent on parents for finances, decision-making and/or emotional security is someone who may not be ready to get married. A potential spouse who is in an overly dependent family relationship will have difficulty moving into an interdependent relationship with a spouse. While it is of course natural that both families remain connected to the new couple, the shift to emotional independence from the family is a growth process that is necessary so that the new couple can begin creating their own life together.

Red Flag 7 : Getting married out of fear

Trusting your intuition and addressing uneasy feelings that arise during the process of getting to know someone is important. Intuition is your compass and is alerting you that something may be wrong in the relationship with your potential spouse. One must find the courage to follow this intuition. To continue getting to know someone or proceed toward marriage with these uncertainties can be disastrous. 

Many choose to ignore the red flags out of a fear of hurting a persons feelings or what the family and community may say. Getting married out of a fear of letting others down or because of pressure from others are signs that the relationship is unstable and that is not a foundation for a healthy marriage. 

In order to be in a healthy marriage, individuals need to grow up and grow emotionally before they can be in a relationship with another individual. No one is perfect, but each individual has a responsibility to work on his or her own personal issues and flaws. As ibn Arabi says, “He who knows himself knows his Lord.” Self reflection is vital to help you understand yourself, your relationship with others, and ultimately help bring you closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).